he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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