I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
