...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
