she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
