I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
the raccoons are back...
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