i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
