I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
false alarm. still invincible.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
