At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
