I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
