you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
