My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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