what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
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