Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
