you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
