just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
