You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
