I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize