your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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