Just fell off a train. Bad.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
did i walk over a car last night?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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