I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
