i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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