dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize