everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
