I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
