i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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