u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
