Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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