dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
