today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
