What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
