God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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