I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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