made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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