I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize