he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
