My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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