just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
