he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
