Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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