Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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