she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
