There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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