apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
