I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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