and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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