Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
