Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
