no, he came in my armpit
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
