You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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