i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
