Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize