Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize