Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize