while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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