does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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