He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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