i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
