one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i believe in u and ur pee
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
