You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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