You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize