Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
