Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize