Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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