why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
